Nineteen Becomes Sixteen

Last night I was “that girlfriend” and forced my boyfriend Matt to watch with me. Here are our observations:

Clare, who lives a self-proclaimed ‘mundane life’, gets the first date and she wants everyone to know Juan Pablo smells like heaven in a bottle. She knows this because on their way to snow heaven Clare gets blindfolded. On the first date? You’re too easy Clare. After a few minutes of snow ball fights and fun they go ice skating, and Clare is sneaky little booger who pretends she can’t skate. I assure you, she can. Then a hot tub magically appears and they hop in and she starts to give him a massage. Clare, you are doing this all wrong! She also tells him she’s the ‘Ice Queen’, which is about the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard a girl admit on the first date. She gets the rose, and admits to the camera she might be falling for him. This seems healthy. They also get a concert in the snow, I didn’t recognize the artist, she did but I think that’s because the producers told her who it was. And at the end of the date it snows, in Los Angeles, and Clare is not wearing pants. (Boyfriend noticed that part.)

Kat gets the next date card. “Let’s get Electric.” I think it might be electric shock therapy. But I’m wrong. She has to know they’re doing an electric fun run, based on the costumes. Also, someone had to know she’s a runner/jogger. Although, they look like they’re at an Electric Fun Dance-Run. I would much prefer that to actually running for a length of time. Of course after their dance-run they go up on stage, in front of all the other runners. And all Kat sees is the rose. Stop, don’t pay attention to that. Just dance with hot guy. Shock, she gets the rose and accepts. She says: “It feels like we’re the only two people.” Well you’re not. So don’t get carried away. This date was not very entertaining, it didn’t feel like they really got to know each other.

Group Date: The girls and Juan Pablo team up with Models and Mutts to help get adorable dogs rescued. They’re doing a photo shoot and everyone gets a different costume. Chelsie and Kelly get painted and costumed to be twins with their dogs, and they’re really good sports about it. I almost hope the girls adopt a house pet. The dog could be friends with Kelly’s dog Molly, and the runner up could get a puppy. One of the questions in the interview process has to be “how do you feel about nudity?” Oh! You hate it? Great Elise and Andi, you get to be naked! Also, if Andi mentions “I send people to jail for a living,” one more time, I’m going to take away her law degree. Elise gets smart. Go ask Miss Nudy Pants. Lucy has already been topless, why wouldn’t she want to be naked? Later when Elise complains about the fire hydrant Kelly says: “Wear the f*cking fire hydrant and shut the f*ck up.” Kelly you tell her!! Juan Pablo sees Andi pouting and pulls her aside. They have a heart to heart and good news Andi, you get to be naked with Juan Pablo! Most would call that a win. Elise is going to be pissed!

Post Party: Once we get to the rooftop party I’m like ‘let’s just get to the part where Victoria loses her ish! But before we get there Cassandra has to tell us she has a two year old, and he is the best baby ever. Has any parent ever said they have the worst kid ever? Just curious. Then Juan Pablo and Renee are bonding over their kids too. So much baby talk, my ovaries are shriveling up. Just make Juan Pablo take his shirt off already! Here we go, Victoria is DRRRRRRUNK! Nikki the nurse steps in and tries to be a good friend (have I mentioned she’s my favorite?). Victoria says she hasn’t had that much to drink, she’s like this sober. I say she’d be better off admitting she’s drunk. “Life is about straddling people, and things.” Victoria is a classy, classy lady and the crazy meter is now ticking off the charts. She is dancing, in the hot tub, by herself. And speaking Spanish. Also, she gave Juan Pablo the Heimlich maneuver (also, known as CPR. Perhaps she can talk to Nikki about life preserving methods for a quick education.) she is still drinking. Someone should stop her.

Finally we have the bathroom meltdown, and of course Mama Renee comes to the rescue. Before long Victoria has decided she is going home, which prompts the producers to step in and try reasoning with her. (Let me know how that goes, producer-man!) She returns to the bathroom, and Juan Pablo tries to talk to her but she’s done with everyone. We return to the girls and the rose is going to…. Kelly, for being a good sport and dressing up like the bald dog. As Juan Pablo departs he asks the girls to makes sure Victoria gets home safe so he can talk to her tomorrow. I wish you all could see my boyfriend’s face as they all praise Juan Pablo for his “gentleman-ness” in handling Victoria. Ladies, he asked you to take care of her drunk booty so that he can come talk to her hungover booty tomorrow. I think the right thing to do is let her go. He has a kid. You can’t have that level of crazy around a kid. They’re impressionable. And the good news is that’s what he is doing. “Thanks for coming, I don’t need your ish.” This is why we don’t bring immature 24 year olds to find love with a 32 year old father!!

Rose ceremony: Cassandra doesn’t know what JP is thinking, so she needs to talk to him. I know what he’s thinking, he’s thinking he doesn’t want drunk beezies. Cassandra also brought pictures of her nugget and they’re making her sad. And yet again we turn to Renee for advice. Renee is amazing. What I learned tonight is this: if you want Juan Pablo’s attention go in a bathroom and cry. Cassandra tells Juan Pablo “It’s like hard, like you know?” And he knows, because he’s been there. (Hand meet forehead). She also admits “I don’t know anything.” To which I say: “Now we can agree.” On to the Rose Ceremony!!!

These ladies accepted roses:
(Ladies, Juan Pablo this is the final rose. Duh!)

So we lose Chantel, Amy the reporter, and Victoria the drunk. These girls are doing themselves no favors for when they get home. “I don’t know what I did wrong. I haven’t dated in such a long time.” You did nothing wrong, be gracious, he wasn’t for you. Someone will want your brand of crazy, stop being desperate!!

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