Bachelor-Recap: Ciao Bellas

There are seven girls left, and only two of them are blonde. Bekah K. wisely shares with us that the stakes are high this week because almost half of them are going home. There are three one-on-one dates and a group date, but NO rose ceremony. So, get a rose or get yourself a glass of rosé on your plane ride home. Speaking of rosé, this weeks thoughts are brought to you by my thoughts on La Vieille Ferme Rosé. It’s not sponsored by them, I’m just drinking it while I watch this train wreck. (Editor’s note: I am here for rosé sponsorships, please contact me!!! I will drink your wine!)

One-on-One Date with Other Becca:
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I just have to start out telling you that this date is literally so boring. They go shopping, they have a picnic, their tongues touch, they have dinner, she says she’s falling for him, more kissing, he says he’s falling for her, she gets the rose. You’re caught up. You missed literally nothing.

The only thing interesting about this date happens back at the house when Jacqueline expresses to Kendall (née Taxidermy Blonde) that she’s really uncomfortable with taking Arie home to meet her family because she doesn’t even know him. Welcome to the Bachelor!!! She says she doesn’t trust herself to make these decisions and she always sabotages herself. Mmhmm, please tell me more. She decides to go talk to him after Lauren (née Other Blonde or maybe Miscellaneous Blonde, to be honest I’m not sure which one she is but at least I know her name this week) receives the next one-on-one date card.

Arie is shocked to see her and gives a very weird laugh, leading me to wonder what he was doing in the 45 seconds it took to open his hotel room door. He invites her in and pours her wine and then she rips his heart out of his chest and says she’s not ready to take him home. He seems legitimately hurt that she wants out and triese to explain to her that they don’t have to move at lightning speed once the show is over. She seems pretty set on going home, but also is kissing him. Her self-sabotage wins out and she says she is going home. I am sad to see her go because her hair is amazing and I was hoping the longer I stared at it I might figure out how to get my hair to dry like hers.

One-on-One Date with Lauren:
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Again. Boring. They bike around Tuscany, they get gelato, they climb about 1000 stairs and look out over the city, they sit and eat pizza in a square. He keeps saying Italian words to her and she seems to not even hear them. She is worried about bringing him home because he’s the first guy she’s bringing home since her ex-fiancé. He responds by asking her to play soccer so clearly the lines of communication are OPEN.

Meanwhile, back at the house: Sienne gets the last one-on-one date and dagger stares from Tia and Kendall.

Back on the One-on-One date, Lauren admits that she is starting to fall in love with Arie. He leaves the table, guy has impeccable timing for Lauren. He comes back and starts talking in the past tense, which is usually a bad sign, but he surprises the HECK out of me when he gives her the rose and confesses that he’s also falling in love with her.

One-on-One Date with Sienne:Image result for bachelor sienne

Arie and Sienne are going truffle hunting. Arie legitimately says “I do dig Sienne, but can I dig deep enough?” At this point I did the only responsible thing I could and poured myself some more wine. Tell me if you’ve heard this before but sweet Jesus this date is ALSO BORING!!! There were at least adorable doggos on this date but they don’t go to dinner tonight. Sad day.

Arie basically says (to the producers) that Other Becca and Lauren said they were falling in love with him and he needs to hear the same from Sienne. It kind of feels like his mind is made up and he’s just going through the motions on this date. She tells him that she feels ready as the bells chime which makes it feel even more ominous. He doesn’t reciprocate that he is ready and Sienne makes a last ditch “I’m not ready to not have you in my life” statement. He picks up the rose, holds it between them, and tells her she’s not getting the rose. She says she’s surprised, but I think she knew about ten minutes before that she was not moving on with him. Sienne tells him that she wishes he would have expressed some of his concerns earlier.

The girls back at the hotel are in utter shock that Sienne is going home, and Tia is very turned off when Bekah says “my odds of staying just went up.” I think it’s poorly stated, but she’s not wrong. If there are two roses on a date with three girls your chances of staying are greater. But, she’s 22 and they’ve already decided that she’s not ready for marriage.

Group Date with Bekah, Kendall and Tia:
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The girls arrive at Villa Royale and they cheers to “The Last Group Date”. Arie steals Kendall away first and they talk about meeting her family. She says they will be concerned that this is moving so quickly. She tells him she’d be open to moving to Arizona if she thought the relationship was moving that direction.

Tia expresses to Arie that she has concerns about Bekah’s readiness to be a wife. Tia says she came on this show because she knew she was ready for it, and she is not sure Bekah is and she’d hate to see Bekah break his heart after all of this. Literally any of them could break his heart, and I don’t agree with Tia speaking up. She does the right thing and warns Bekah that she talked to him about her concerns and that she sees herself as an older sister in this situation and she just doesn’t think Bekah is ready.

Bekah gets to talk to Arie and is in tears before he even has his arms around her. She says she doesn’t like being misrepresented as a single mascara-filled tear runs down her cheek. These girls know what waterproof mascara is, right? After she cries they talk about him meeting her family, and she shows him that she’s getting white hairs. There is something about their relationship that feels so much more genuine than anyone else’s.

I sort of assumed that he would break up with one of them separately and then give the other two the roses, but instead we find ourselves back around the table where we started. He gives the first rose to Kendall and then walks her to the car. Tia and Bekah are now going to dinner with Arie, and I guess it’s a good thing that we made this tension between them otherwise this would be a snoozefest.

Tia tells him she is still in love with him and she tells the producers she can’t imagine anything Bekah can say to get Arie to pick her over Tia. Bekah tells Arie to have faith in her 22-year-old self, and he doesn’t really give an indication of which way he is leaning. He gives the rose to Tia, and she looks right at Bekah and smiles in her defeat. I wanted Tia to be the next Bachelorette (assuming she doesn’t win this), but now I do not. Bekah tells him that she knows this will end well for him, and, god bless her, she doesn’t meltdown until he closes the car door. She still has not found waterproof mascara.

Alright, we are down to Hometown dates. We’ll be meeting Other Becca’s, Lauren’s, Kendall’s, and Tia’s families next week. I’ll see you guys for the Bachelor Winter Games!

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